"When you're dreaming with a broken heart"

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,The waking up is the hardest part,You roll outta bed and down on your knees,And for a moment you can hardly breathe,Wondering was he really here?,Is he standing in my room?,
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone,When you're dreaming with a broken heartThe giving up is the hardest part,
he takes you in with his crying eyes,Then all at once you have to say goodbye,Wondering could you stay my love?,
Will you wake up by my side?,No he can't, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone,gone
-John Mayer; Dreaming with a broken heart.

Love; its complicated, its breathtaking, its lovely, its mesmerizing, its beautiful. Love picks you up in it's big arms, holds you tight, and then drops you on the floor, and walks away. love hurts. December 25th 2008. yeah i know it's Christmas, but it is also the one date i will always keep in my heart. It was the one day that something beautiful entered my life, that beautiful thing they call love. The one thing that most people think is completely ridiculous,the thought of people falling in love at 14 years old, but i know that what i had was love, and it was the most amazing thing that i had ever withheld. It wasn't explainable, but love never is, and so far, i haven't gotten my explanation for why things happened the way they did. But i accept them.


When you're 14 years old, the only thing that matters to you is looking nice, having friends, fitting in, and maybe having the chance to get a boy to like you. 14 years old is usually what people call " the bad year for teens" But for me, being 14 years old was amazing. Your first love; Someone who comes into your life, leaves footprints in your heart, and you are never the same. That was him. The things he did, the things he said, i couldn't believe that i had something so amazing. I spent every moment with a smile on my face knowing that he was the one that i knew no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He was the guy who you could call at 2 o'clock in the morning bawling your eyes out and he would sit there and calmly tell me over and over "everything Is going to be okay, don't worry i'm right here,im not hanging up its okay" He was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

But like i said before, love is beautiful, but love is also unpredictable. We fought all the time, he told me i had him whipped and that i was the overpowering girlfriend, which i realize now that i was, but despite all of that, he loved me so much, he accepted my flaws, he embraced them, and he never forgot to tell me how beautiful i was whenever i was having a bad day. He was my hero. My role model, i looked up to him, and everything he did, i was proud of. That's what love is, its viewing an imperfect person, perfectly. Everything he did was right, every smile, every word, everything. He tried so hard to make me proud. And being me, i feel as if i always wanted more, and that wasn't fair to him.

So Jimmy, I am sorry for the hurt i have caused you, for the mistakes i have made, and the things that i will never forgive myself for, but i want you to know something, from the day i met you, i have always loved you. You saved me from myself and not even a million "thank you's" can sum up how much that means to me. I know i get angry, and i know that our breakup was my fault, and if i could turn back time, i wouldn't have done it. But thinking back to every single little thing, every laugh, every bittersweet kiss, every time you made me smile, you made me stronger. you made me able to stand this rough patch, this "heartbreak warfare". And, just to let you know, i wouldn't take back any of it, any of the times, even the bad ones, because of you, i am me. And i know i took your heart and ripped it out of your chest, but my heart is crushed too. Because every time i go to sleep at night i cant get the guilt to go away, the feeling that i hurt the one person i promised i would never break, the person who every night i said "always and forever" to, the person who i wished on 11:11's with. And f.y.i, i wished that you wouldn't ever stop loving me every single time. I love you jimmy, and sometimes we get angry, and from the wise words of Victoria Bergevine, " You can fall out of love, but you can never stop loving" And i will never stop "loving" you. You are forever in my heart, and even though now you don't want me anymore, i think ill be okay, i have the memories, i have the smiles and the laughs, the tears and the "i love you"'s i have them all safe inside my heart, and they wont get lost, i promise

-Alli