"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped caring, sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say i love you"
When the time comes when you are ready to let go of everything you had, every memory, every "i love you" every last minute you spent with that that someone, you'll know. In every breakup there are a million tears, a million im sorry's and hardly ever any forgiveness. Saying goodbye to somebody who has been such a big part of you're life is such a hard thing to do. But you have to do it. and after all the hurt. things will get better.
My favorite quote of all time has always been this; "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." Everything about it is true. It was about a month ago when i first realized that what we had was only a temporary feeling. That "butterfly" feeling we all know and love slowly started to fade and eventually i love you gave no meaning to me. I told him how he felt and he understood. he understood because he had felt the same. When you come to feel that you know everything there is to know about a person, and that when you talk to them, it is no longer conversation, but words without meaning thrown about like nothing. When that happens you know its time to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye was the hardest thing i ever did. To hear the sadness in his voice, and to throw every memory we made out the window. It hurt me, and it hurt him too. People tell me that i am an awful person for it, and maybe they are right, but i believe that what i did was good. Because believe it or not, he is happy now. And when you really care about a person, their happiness becomes yours as well. If you ever are afraid to say goodbye, thats normal. If you lay in bed at night and think about how you want to do it, but you cant, that's not good. It is better to tell someone the truth than to go on living like everything is fine. For a good three weeks that's what i did. Until i finally realized that it wasn't fair to him.
Convincing yourself that you're okay is normal. Days passed when i woke up feeling great, going to school in a good mood and going out with friends. Finally being single and having no strings attached. Weeks passed and the feeling continued, Slowly but surely the hurt kicked in. I began to feel like i was living in a world where not one person cared, nobody understood me and that i was alone. That i was an idiot because i gave up the best thing in my life. I feared being alone and i feared that i would never find anyone that could meet what he was to me. I texted him, i called him. i wrote him. It was awful, let me tell you when we i use the word desperate I don't use it lightly. I wanted him to want me back, and when he didn't, i was mad. I shouldn't have been but i was. I was angry with the fact that he didn't love me anymore, that fact that he was "liking" other girls. I envied those girls. I would have done anything to be one of them. I was jealous, i was hurt, and i was mad. And then i realized that i was being ridiculous. I was being selfish, and i was being cruel. I needed to stop thinking about myself and think about him.
So now, after weeks of pain i have realized that i do not love him anymore. And that i don't want to get back together, as much as i convinced myself that if he asked me back out i would say yes. My mom told me tonight that "getting back together with someone usually isn't out of love, its out of fear of being alone" She's right. I am scared of being alone. Of never finding someone like him. But i know that i am strong. And i know that after a really great year with a really great guy, i can have those memories. But now i can make room for new ones. I can look back now, and i can smile. I still feel pain every once in a while. But i've got my family, and i've got my friends. and one day, ill have another person who loves me just as much as he did.
So this is for anyone who has given up, who feels as if they will never be better, as if the tears will never stop. This is for anyone who has lost hope. You can do it. Things will get better. i promise.
-Alli
When the time comes when you are ready to let go of everything you had, every memory, every "i love you" every last minute you spent with that that someone, you'll know. In every breakup there are a million tears, a million im sorry's and hardly ever any forgiveness. Saying goodbye to somebody who has been such a big part of you're life is such a hard thing to do. But you have to do it. and after all the hurt. things will get better.
My favorite quote of all time has always been this; "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." Everything about it is true. It was about a month ago when i first realized that what we had was only a temporary feeling. That "butterfly" feeling we all know and love slowly started to fade and eventually i love you gave no meaning to me. I told him how he felt and he understood. he understood because he had felt the same. When you come to feel that you know everything there is to know about a person, and that when you talk to them, it is no longer conversation, but words without meaning thrown about like nothing. When that happens you know its time to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye was the hardest thing i ever did. To hear the sadness in his voice, and to throw every memory we made out the window. It hurt me, and it hurt him too. People tell me that i am an awful person for it, and maybe they are right, but i believe that what i did was good. Because believe it or not, he is happy now. And when you really care about a person, their happiness becomes yours as well. If you ever are afraid to say goodbye, thats normal. If you lay in bed at night and think about how you want to do it, but you cant, that's not good. It is better to tell someone the truth than to go on living like everything is fine. For a good three weeks that's what i did. Until i finally realized that it wasn't fair to him.
Convincing yourself that you're okay is normal. Days passed when i woke up feeling great, going to school in a good mood and going out with friends. Finally being single and having no strings attached. Weeks passed and the feeling continued, Slowly but surely the hurt kicked in. I began to feel like i was living in a world where not one person cared, nobody understood me and that i was alone. That i was an idiot because i gave up the best thing in my life. I feared being alone and i feared that i would never find anyone that could meet what he was to me. I texted him, i called him. i wrote him. It was awful, let me tell you when we i use the word desperate I don't use it lightly. I wanted him to want me back, and when he didn't, i was mad. I shouldn't have been but i was. I was angry with the fact that he didn't love me anymore, that fact that he was "liking" other girls. I envied those girls. I would have done anything to be one of them. I was jealous, i was hurt, and i was mad. And then i realized that i was being ridiculous. I was being selfish, and i was being cruel. I needed to stop thinking about myself and think about him.
So now, after weeks of pain i have realized that i do not love him anymore. And that i don't want to get back together, as much as i convinced myself that if he asked me back out i would say yes. My mom told me tonight that "getting back together with someone usually isn't out of love, its out of fear of being alone" She's right. I am scared of being alone. Of never finding someone like him. But i know that i am strong. And i know that after a really great year with a really great guy, i can have those memories. But now i can make room for new ones. I can look back now, and i can smile. I still feel pain every once in a while. But i've got my family, and i've got my friends. and one day, ill have another person who loves me just as much as he did.
So this is for anyone who has given up, who feels as if they will never be better, as if the tears will never stop. This is for anyone who has lost hope. You can do it. Things will get better. i promise.
-Alli
No comments:
Post a Comment