This Post is dedicated to someone on formspring who asked me to write about hurting a friend and then losing them, i promised them i would so here it is.
You will never know true happiness until you have had a true friend, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost one.
When you make a mistake with a friend, it is usually fixable. You can apologize to the person and tell them you know what you did was wrong and beg that they forgive you. On that rare occasion however, they don't.
Losing a close friend is like being stabbed in the chest. It hurts for days. You are ignored, your calls aren't answered. And you know that they are telling someone else exactly what you did wrong. Day by day you wait for a text, a call, something. But in turn, receive nothing. Last year, i made one of the biggest mistakes i had ever made. I lost my best friend, because of a boy. I know i know, girl code says that's illegal, but yes, it happened. I didn't mean to fall for him, but it happened. I know that what i did was wrong, and i apologized. But this girl was so unbelievably hurt, she made me make a choice. She told me to pick. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, "Me or him", she said. I remember being really shaky as my fingers touched the keys, " How do i choose?! you're my best friend, and he's someone i might never find again!" ( your buddy is typing..) "Alli, you know that if i were you, i would pick you in a heartbeat, you're my best friend." I started crying as i typed the words, "I'm not choosing". She responded with," Fine, ill make the choice for you. I'm gone, just realize that we'll never be the same again from here on out." ( ------ has gone offline.)
I sat, staring at the computer screen for 30 minutes wondering what the hell i had just done. I regretted it, but at the same time felt that i had done the right thing not choosing one or the other, and in her choosing for me, it made things easier. i was dead wrong. We fought almost every day, explosive, jealous, hate-filled fights, i cried myself to sleep. regretting everything i had done. I was scared to go to school, when i got off the bus in the morning my heart started pounding out of my chest. Our once united social group had split, one side supporting her, one side supporting me. It was the most dramatic.,and now that i look back, humorous things that have ever happened to me. It went on for MONTHS. Until finally we both broke and tried to fix things, things weren't the same.
The thing about losing a friend is, as much as it hurts, as much as you regret the things you said, the hurt you caused, and the tears you cried. In some way, you benefited from it. I learned never to take advantage of the good things in my life, and when youhave something great, hold onto it with everything you have, because if you're not careful it can slip right through your fingers. Because of this loss i learned to treat others better, to not take advantage of the good things that happen, and to hold every friend near and dear to me. Because in the end nothing is more important than a good friend.
About two days ago, i I-Med her and told her i was honestly truly sorry for the pain i had caused, and i didn't expect an answer, i didn't expect anything from her, she didn't owe it to me at all. But you know what she said? She replied " Alli, you know what, i accept that apology, i really really do, because if that hadn't happened i wouldn't be anywhere near the person i am today" And we're okay now, her and i, because despite everything that happened, we could finally realize the most important thing, forgiveness.
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